Sometime in 2019, a plague spread across humanity: the plague of Osmium-X. The few human beings spared its devastation with only shreds of their former lives have nomadically wandered through the wasteland for what feels like generations. Without any competent leadership, without any social safety nets, many tribes turned to warfare for survival. Tribes were conquered for their toilet paper and their hand sanitizer, the women were marginalized, the men were converted to Kult 45, and the children were forced onto assembly lines to make iPhones. Many despaired for the America they used to know, failing to acknowledge the fatal mistake they made at the primary polls in 2016, and again in 2020.
Now, in 2020, a new plague has emerged. The scientist who discovered it, known only by the peculiar binary sequence 00111111, has dubbed this new plague Osmium-20. He was quoted as saying, “I don’t fuckin’ know. I guess that’s how motherfuckers name shit now. Fuck outta here with your questions, bitch.” News of this plague would have been the last straw for many, but it was revealed that this would include not only metal, but hardstyle, hardcore, dubstep, breakcore and basically anything you can bang your fuckin’ head to. Many myopic conspiracy theorists claimed that no true Osmium edition could contain such so-called impurities, claiming that metal is somehow an only child. Ladies and gentlemen of the planet formerly known as Earth, metal has many siblings, and they can be even heavier than their metal ancestors.
This new plague, this Osmium-20, has proven effective against such other pernicious viruses as elitism, ignorance, and apathy. This scientist… I’m being told to just fuckin’ call him Double-O. Anyway, this scientist is now dispersing this plague across whatever’s left of these states, united in name alone. From somewhere in the former United States, he alone fights through the fire and flames for the soul of humanity, or some other epic power metal shit like that.
Yes! That’s correct! We have here over four and a half fucking hours of Osmium to absorb into our thick fuckin’ heads! The majority of it is brand fuckin’ new, too! The shit that isn’t is shit you mighta missed, but deserves someone else’s attention besides my fuckin’ own, so there. You know the fuckin’ drill by now. By the way, no one better snitch on me to Metallica, ‘cause then I’ll owe ‘em each a jet or a yacht or a new set of golf pants or some shit. Without any further muthafuckin’, cocksuckin’, cuntlickin’, anusticklin’ ado…