2022-11-28 (Thankful.?. Edition)

*sigh*

I'm just... so thankful.

So. Fucking. Thankful.

 

For every beautifully stupid fucking day,

for every marvelously pointless fucking night,

for the exquisite silence and death that shrouds

them both with the comforts denied

by the presence of fucking humans...

 

I'm thankful for the silence of your absence.

Thankful for the death that smirks at me

beneath each pair of headlights,

lurking in every forest,

inviting to every body of water.

The embrace of nothing so entices,

though I'm imprisoned in existence for

however much longer I can bear it.

I know you've been so patient,

and I'm thankful for it.

 

I'm thankful for the isolation I've cultivated.

Far greater peace here than I'd find

enduring your mind-paralyzing mediocrity

and agonizing chaos.

The monotonous life through which so many drift,

like shit waiting to be flushed,

curiosity only in what's comfortable,

passion in only the most banal of everything.

You must have multiple lives ahead of you,

since you're so content watching this one

drip daily from your urethra like some cosmic chlamydia.

 

I'm thankful for the sun I despise

for gracing this miserably undeserving planet with life,

squandered in maddening pursuits of greed,

of narcissism,

of domination for its own sake.

For no fucking reason at all.

Thank you for being extraordinary in the cold

indifference of everything else,

and fuck you for giving us cancer,

the treatment of which will drive us bankrupt.

Because capitalism...

 

I'm thankful for everything in life that costs money.

I'm thankful the value of it is entirely arbitrary.

I'm thankful we've built a society so thoughtfully

around human need and fulfillment,

except for the destitute.

There must be something wrong with them, no doubt.

Why wouldn't every living being want to work themselves to death?

Why wouldn't we wish to devote every waking moment to labor?

Surely, this is what God intended for his chosen people.

No, not those chosen people, the other ones.

The ones with all the most objectively beautiful features,

as if beauty was ever fucking objective.

 

I'm thankful for racism, for bigotry,

for brazenly dispassionate conservatism,

because short of a facial tattoo that reads,

"I'm a hopeless fucking imbecile,"

there exist few better ways to convey such a crucial message.

Of course, I'd rather such blithering troglodytes NOT

infect every society with such vociferous ignorance,

but I won't shed tears when trash takes itself out.

I'm thankful to see the futility lurking behind every word.

Your utter and complete failure is inevitable,

even if we have to regularly endure your noise.

 

I'm thankful to everyone who will ignore & misinterpret me.

I'm thankful to be a paradoxically non-binary polyamorous pansexual

whose pronouns are it & its,

because humanity was stripped from me ages ago.

To be fair, I helped.

Humanity is just so fucking ugly.

My identity is nil because, well, why fucking bother?

As if you or anyone cares who I am, who anyone is or isn't.

That's fuckin' freedom, baby!

I need another fix.

Shoot me up with more distractions,

because this farce they've concocted might kill me with kindness.

 

I'm thankful for the white-hot hatred that spurs me

from my coffin every night.

How else would I ever succeed?

Make something of myself?

Join the club.

It is what it is.

It is what the powerful psychopaths have made it,

and none of us asked to be here.

 

We should be thankful, though.

We can spurt fluid from all our most desirable orifices.

We can neurochemically intoxicate ourselves.

We can spend ourselves to abject poverty,

and then sell whatever's left of our dignity in drive-throughs

with cardboard signs for quarters and dimes.

So long as we glorify their God,

every moment of our suffering is worthwhile.

 

I'm thankful for the gleeful degradation of all splendor.

Lol, right? Fuckin' losers, thinking life occurs anywhere

other than hunched over our super special rectangles.

Our little windows to the world,

through which we must portray ourselves as perfect,

through which we can cackle like hyenas at others less fortunate.

It's so much fun being human.

 

I'm so thankful for this remarkable society,

in which we scavenge every available resource for our own benefit,

regardless of the detriment inflicted,

regardless of any consideration for any sort of future

for anyone except ourselves.

We're Americans! This is our destiny manifest!

I'm thankful to chuckle at the hilariously pitiful such as they/them,

those who are most certainly binary beyond all shadows of doubt.

God said so in that book we didn't bother reading, so...

 

I'm thankful to watch so many precious moments of life

be expelled like so many golden droplets of piss

in service of this grand plan,

this unfathomably intelligent design sold to us

long before we were forced to learn what money is.

God is capitalism, and vice versa.

Nothing else matters so long as the rich remain above us all.

I'm so, so fucking thankful to be a part of all this.

 

Tell me more of meritocracy,

of supposedly incorruptible democracy.

Tell me another patriotic fable to suffocate myself to sleep.

Yes, pardon me while I hold my breath and fucking asphyxiate.

You gotta be versatile in this day and age!

 

I'm thankful for the fidelity I wasted on the indecisive.

I'm thankful for the tears I shed that only alienated me more.

Thankful for the lives and selves I created from jagged shards,

thankful to have them pulverized into dust

which further enabled their addictions.

I'm thankful for every lover who broke my heart,

and every friend who shattered it.

I don't even know what shape, what sort of mass

resides in my chest anymore,

keeping me alive in spite of all my desperate protests.

 

I'm thankful for every ounce of anguish,

because all that didn't kill me made me stronger.

Right? That's the line, right?

I'm thankful for all the trauma inflicted,

for all my moronic fucking pursuits,

for every time I attempted to love.

Lol, fuckin' loser! Lol lol lol!

 

I'm thankful for all the bullets and guns.

It's our right, after all, no matter how wrong.

So long as the rich get richer,

all else is expendable,

especially our inconsequential lives.

Who cares if they had to identify your children by their teeth?

Who cares if the police are callow cowards?

Get back to the mine, you fucking peasant!

Lol! Owned!

Watch them scramble for their lives!

*sigh* It's so lovely to be superior.

 

I'm thankful for all the time we waste,

debating&discussing&conversing&arguing&etc.

while our world prepares to purge us

like so much liquid shit.

We just couldn't decide! What could we have done?!

They said we didn't have the money!

They said we had to wait!

They said, they said, they said...

 

I'm thankful for all the inhumane torment I won't live to witness.

I'm thankful for the starvation of the apocalyptically opulent.

I'm thankful for the drowning of the mindlessly discriminatory.

I'm thankful for the desiccation of the environment,

so long as they actually experience a few moments of suffering.

I'm thankful for the wisdom only gained after it's far too late.

I'm thankful for every arresting wail of the frivolous,

as they consider the possibility that they may have been incorrect.

They may have been short-sighted.

They may have purchased their own demise,

like the irredeemable consumers they are.

 

I'm thankful for every ultimately useless cent I scraped together,

to sustain a sinking survival.

I'm thankful for every penny I'm charged to maintain my health,

to prolong an existence I haven't wanted for decades.

I'm thankful for the interest charged on necessary medical procedures.

What good would my life be if I wasn't actively inviting

insurance companies to suck me dry beyond recognition?

 

I'm thankful for the intoxicants that enabled me to surpass

the typically eclipsing futility that darkens every endeavor.

I'm thankful for the escape from the excruciating tedium

of routine,

of the status quo,

of the relentless machine that grinds every dream from vibrant life

to grey paste.

 

I'm thankful to see my past self as naïve as he was.

Thankful to see hope eternally preserved prior to every strangulation of reality.

I'm thankful that words like these went staggeringly unappreciated,

as if those receiving had never experienced words before.

I'm thankful to have been misunderstood at every turn,

and not even remotely implored for clarity.

Nothing has made me feel more sublimely ineffectual.

I'm thankful that you made me feel so completely useless.

 

I'm thankful that I've neglected to prove myself worthy of life.

I'm thankful that I might perish entirely without a murmur.

I'm thankful... that I loved, and was loved, at least once.

I'm thankful for her gaze, her embrace, her kiss.

I'm thankful to have had a glimpse of what actual life could have been.

 

Most of all, I'm thankful that there is an inevitable end to all of this.

Thankful that none can escape it, no matter how wealthy.

Thankful that I once experienced pure truth through joyful tears,

and that I will one day return to the silence having made a little noise.

Thankful that I will die having once lived...

Finally, I am thankful

for every moment

of yojne.

 

 

01 Nine Inch Nails - Burn (from Natural Born Killers OST) [00:09:57]

 

02 Camo & Krooked - Watch It Burn (feat. Ayah Marar) (from Cross The Line) [00:14:56]

 

03 ††† - The Beginning Of The End (from The Beginning Of The End) [00:18:18]

 

04 Defrag - I Arrived Cold (from Lost Lands EP) [00:22:47]

 

05 Charles Bukowski - The Genius Of The Crowd (from Uncensored) [00:25:20]

 

06 Chromatics - Into The Black (from Kill For Love) [00:27:41]

 

07 Alpha Wolf - A Quiet Place to Die (from A Quiet Place to Die) [00:32:58]

 

08 carolesdaughter - please put me in a medically induced coma (from please put me in a medically induced coma) [00:35:23]

 

09 Unknown Brain - Control (feat. Rival & Jex) (from Control) [00:38:26]

 

10 Daniel Deluxe - Darkness (from Darkness) [00:42:09]

 

11 INTERCOM - The Upside Down (Stranger Things Inspired) (from The Upside Down (Stranger Things Inspired)) [00:45:22]

 

12 Arizon - Meet You There (from DafuQ! EDM Playlist Vol. 22 // August 2014) [00:49:49]

 

13 Johnny Cash - The Beast In Me (from American I) [00:54:18]

 

14 Arch Enemy - Instinct (from Anthems of Rebellion) [00:56:56]

 

15 Once Human - Eye of Chaos (from Evolution) [01:00:30]

 

16 Spring Awakening Cast - Left Behind (from Spring Awakening (2006 Broadway Cast Recording)) [01:05:12]

 

17 The Amity Affliction - Like Love (from Like Love) [01:09:25]

 

18 Gemp - In Memoriam (from (Basically Nothing)) [01:13:15]

 

19 Halou - I Would Love To Give Up (from Wiser) [01:16:34]

 

20 Landon Tewers - Whipits (from Dead Kid) [01:20:23]

 

21 VAST Presents Bang Band Sixxx - Loneliness Is Fine (from Relay) [01:23:43]

 

22 Raleigh Ritchie - Time in a Tree (from Time in a Tree) [01:27:21]

 

23 Nostalghia - Kingdom of Disturb (from Imagō) [01:31:02]

 

24 Seven Lions - December (feat. Davey Havok) (from The Throes of Winter) [01:37:27]

 

25 Josh A, Iamjakehill - Endless Nightmare (from Chaos) [01:43:58]

 

26 Fiona Apple - Every Single Night (from The Idler Wheel Is Wiser Than the Driver of the Screw and Whipping Cords Will Serve You More Than Ropes Will Ever Do) [01:46:28]

 

27 Skan - Living Hell (feat. Lox Chatterbox, M.I.M.E. & Blvkstn) (from Living Hell) [01:49:43]

 

28 David García Díaz - Shadow (from Hellblade: Senua’s Sacrifice OST) [01:52:48]

 

29 Daniéle Kitty - Orestes (from https://youtu.be/FjoxUK6Slgg) [01:55:01]

 

30 Deftones - Hearts / Wires (from Gore) [01:58:58]

 

31 Adventure Club - Save Me (feat. Adara) (from Red // Blue) [02:04:16]

 

32 Lana Del Rey - Gods & Monsters (from Born To Die [Paradise Edition]) [02:07:04]

 

33 Make Them Suffer - Erase Me (from Erase Me) [02:10:57]

 

34 Gunship - When You Grow Up, Your Heart Dies (from Dark All Day) [02:14:38]

 

35 Dabin - Hope It Hurts (feat. Essenger) (from Hope It Hurts) [02:20:20]

 

36 Whales - Too Weird (feat. Kini Solana) (from Pelagios) [02:24:36]

 

37 Beowülf - We Accept the Love We Think We Deserve (from We Accept the Love We Think We Deserve) [02:27:38]

 

38 Ghost of a Gentleman - Street Signs (from Empty Room) [02:30:03]

 

39 Mega Ran, Amanda Lepre - Cries Of The Planet (from Cries Of The Planet) [02:33:41]

 

40 Washington - One For Sorrow (from There There) [02:36:51]

 

41 Twiztid - Woe Woe (from W.I.C.K.E.D.) [02:40:25]

 

42 Resonanta, Subsets, Cartography - Yuletide (Whithe Remix) (from Forevr_isnt_4_evry1) [02:45:34]

 

43 CLANN - I Hold You (from Seelie) [02:49:50]

 

44 Standerwick - Deep End (feat. HALIENE) (Trivecta Extended Remix) (from Deep End (Trivecta Remix)) [02:58:53]

 

45 Daniéle Kitty - Passenger (from https://youtu.be/LY6jkyyx1ws) [03:03:05]

 

46 All Grace - Surrender (feat. Mr. Sam) (John Palmer’s The Sweetest Thing Remix) (from Surrender) [03:07:38]

 

47 Yinyues - Everything (feat. Mimi Page) (from Everything) [03:12:06]

 

48 Anathema - Ariel (from Distant Satellites) [03:16:21]

 

49 NAVVI - Sol (from Omni) [03:22:46]

 

50 Otep - Untitled Poem (from Generation Doom (Deluxe Edition)) [03:26:08]

 

51 Ekoh - Westside (from Westside) [03:29:56]

 

52 Immortal Technique - Crimes Of The Heart (feat. Maya Azucena) (from The 3rd World) [03:33:25]

 

53 Mazzy Star - Look On Down From The Bridge (from Among My Swan) [03:37:33]

 

54 Foals - Spanish Sahara (from Total Life Forever) [03:42:15]

 

55 Mike Shinoda - Over Again (from Post Traumatic (Deluxe Version)) [03:48:58]

 

56 Twiztid - LDLHA-IBCSYWA (from Abominationz (Monoxide)) [03:52:43]

 

57 Spring Awakening Cast - Those You've Known (from Spring Awakening (2006 Broadway Cast Recording)) [03:57:17]

 

58 LSB - Missing You (feat. Tyler Daley & DRS) (from Missing You) [04:01:41]

 

59 Trivecta - Wasteland (Wooli Remix) (from Wasteland (Wooli Remix)) [04:08:45]

 

60 Kittie - Time Never Heals (from I’ve Failed You) [04:13:00]

 

61 Lorna Shore - Pain Remains I: Dancing Like Flames (from Pain Remains) [04:17:21]

 

62 Lorna Shore - Pain Remains II: After All I've Done, I'll Disappear (from Pain Remains) [04:23:13]

 

63 Lorna Shore - Pain Remains III: In a Sea of Fire (from Pain Remains) [04:28:50]